My job is easy. I can do it in my sleep. I basically work a few hours, get paid for a lot of hours, and no one fucks with me. I won't say I'm irreplaceable, but I'm pretty damn Teflon coated.
The only thing that gets my shit twisted is the crew under me. It used to change almost monthly because apparently no one in this fucking city gives a shit about paying their bills. I've been there nearly 10 years and I'd need all the fingers of an ekamukhi to count how many have come and gone. After a few years of deliberately fucking with the useless ones until they finally decide to go elsewhere (because I may be boss of my crew but be fucked if I can fire any of them), I've managed to weed my crew out until I have all but one slot stocked with smart, entertaining, cynical fuckers like me. Hey I don't give a shit if they eat babies as long as they're dependable.
After dozens and dozens of wastes of hair and hide, Julie came under my command. Smart and funny, Julie was easy to get along with and figured the job out in minutes. Best of all, she didn't engage in those bullshit games women love so much. You know the ones. Shit Stirring. Backstabbing. Gossip Hour. Bullshit like that is why I have precious few female friends.
For the first time in a long time, I let myself think I'd found one that would last. Maybe even one I could be friends with.
Last week I went into work and was surprised that Julie wasn't already in. First 15 minutes, then a half hour passed, and still she hadn't shown up. I texted her asking if she was coming in any time soon, but got no reply. Calls went unanswered. I texted another employee to see if he'd heard from her. His attempts to reach her also failed. By the time an hour had come and gone, I couldn't kid myself any more. Julie had quit.
It wasn't the first time someone had pulled that shit, but this time I felt betrayed. I'd started to think of her as a friend, but obviously she thought so little of me that I wasn't even worth a phone call and a line of bullshit about joining the Reserves and being shipped out the next day. She just left me there for over an hour to wait like an idiot.
Fucking cunt.
Tonight Julie was at work. After a fucking WEEK of not showing up or calling, the bitch was at work. Fired? Hell no, my boss isn't going to risk having Julie file for unemployment. He's not going to fire anyone. Of course, she came in all apologetic and embarrassed, trying to explain to me why she never showed up or bothered to call and let me know she wouldn't be coming in. Right?
Fuck no, she came in like nothing ever happened. I wanted to slap her teeth straight. No apology, no explanation. Nothing.
Her roommate was happy to fill in the details though. Julie simply decided that getting blind staggering drunk at home was more attractive than going to work, and then she stayed that way for the next 3 days. Apparently this is not uncommon.
However, now that Julie has lost her gold star of approval, it's open season. If there's one thing I can't resist, it's pushing people's buttons. I've already got her replacement in place, so there's no reason to play nice. She's only wanting 2 days a week anyway, and her replacement wants the full week so I lose nothing by running her off. She's in tomorrow, and I can hardly wait.
Let the games begin.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Why not just hire a crack whore?
While Julie was drunk in an alley somewhere, my boss called to tell me he'd be by later to "discuss some ideas" with me regarding a replacement. My boss is notorious for hiring the worst of the worst, so the idea that he wanted to talk about one in particular could only mean it was SO bad that even he thought it might be a bad move.
I suspected he was going to suggest Carol, who was currently on a different schedule but had worked Julie's spot before. As far as I was concerned, that wasn't going to happen. Carol has been hired and fired from just about every business for 20 miles around, and for good reason. She was one of those "team leader" sorts, who liked to stand on the side and order everyone else around. To hear her bitch and moan two days later, you'd think she was the one doing all the work while the rest of those slackers just sat on their asses and drank chai lattes.
A month earlier I came in to discover Carol's tweaker husband Dawson and his sister hanging around out back. They wandered over to the dumpster when I pulled in, because you know, who doesn't want to hang around a reeking trash can? Once inside, I found the back door left unlocked, and a side window wide fucking open. WTF would that window be open when it was 34 F outside?
We've been robbed once before by an employee, and it looked pretty obvious to me that Carol was thinking maybe she could do it too. She'd been trying to figure out how to score some cash so she and her crackhead hump could go to Jamaica this summer, and apparently she figured it out.
I had told my boss about it at the time, but in his usual clueless stupor, he just said he'd "remind them all" to be careful about leaving doors and windows open. Feh. Fucker deserves to be robbed.
Since then Carol had been particularly friendly to me, which I knew better than to buy into because we never got along when she worked under me before. In response, I busted her chops every time I came into a mess she left behind. Stuff I'd normally take care of and say nothing about, I was pitching bitch fits over. Fuck her, right? And now I was sure my boss was going to try to sweet talk me into taking her back on my crew. When he finally came through the door, I was ready and waiting to shoot down that idea with both barrels.
"I think Dawson would be good at this, and he needs a job. What do you think?"
To my credit I did not say "I think you are a fucking moron and deserve to be robbed nine ways from Sunday. Sure let's put that meth cooking theif on the clock. Fuck, give him a key too while you're at it. Then, I'll go home and leave him alone up here so he can rob you blind"
Instead I said "NO WAY", which was immediately counted by "But why not?" Oh let me list the reasons you gullible twat. He's on meth. He cooks meth. He sells meth. Fuck his whole family is on the shit. We already have issues with people thinking we're a fucking drug front because you keep hiring every sob story and crack whore in the county, but hey why not add one more? Just to round out the shifts I mean.
Hat in hand, my boss sadly left, his great idea torn to shreds. Thankfully one of my crew knew someone for the job, and now I have a very sweet guy who is hitting on all 8 cylinders for the spot.
Apparently someone clued Carol in to why her crack monkey didn't get the job, and now she won't speak to me, heh. She's even trying to get me in trouble, complaining that I "get in her way" when I come in early for my shift. This amuses me to no end. I think, you stupid fucking cunt. First off you're disposable, so don't even think you have any power to fuck with me. Secondly, there's no way in hell I'd let your crack monkey on my crew and I'll come in early EVERY fucking day I know you're on, just to make sure you don't "forget" to shut the window again. I'll inspect every trash can to make sure you emptied it, check the locks on all the doors, and make sure you didn't leave a mess on the floor. And when you sit there and toss glare after glare my way, I'm going to send you a great big smile, because it amuses the living shit out of me to piss you off. There's nothing you can do to make me even half as angry as you're getting because I place more value in the emotions of shit throwing chimpanzees than I do in you.
Now go clean the toilet.
I suspected he was going to suggest Carol, who was currently on a different schedule but had worked Julie's spot before. As far as I was concerned, that wasn't going to happen. Carol has been hired and fired from just about every business for 20 miles around, and for good reason. She was one of those "team leader" sorts, who liked to stand on the side and order everyone else around. To hear her bitch and moan two days later, you'd think she was the one doing all the work while the rest of those slackers just sat on their asses and drank chai lattes.
A month earlier I came in to discover Carol's tweaker husband Dawson and his sister hanging around out back. They wandered over to the dumpster when I pulled in, because you know, who doesn't want to hang around a reeking trash can? Once inside, I found the back door left unlocked, and a side window wide fucking open. WTF would that window be open when it was 34 F outside?
We've been robbed once before by an employee, and it looked pretty obvious to me that Carol was thinking maybe she could do it too. She'd been trying to figure out how to score some cash so she and her crackhead hump could go to Jamaica this summer, and apparently she figured it out.
I had told my boss about it at the time, but in his usual clueless stupor, he just said he'd "remind them all" to be careful about leaving doors and windows open. Feh. Fucker deserves to be robbed.
Since then Carol had been particularly friendly to me, which I knew better than to buy into because we never got along when she worked under me before. In response, I busted her chops every time I came into a mess she left behind. Stuff I'd normally take care of and say nothing about, I was pitching bitch fits over. Fuck her, right? And now I was sure my boss was going to try to sweet talk me into taking her back on my crew. When he finally came through the door, I was ready and waiting to shoot down that idea with both barrels.
"I think Dawson would be good at this, and he needs a job. What do you think?"
To my credit I did not say "I think you are a fucking moron and deserve to be robbed nine ways from Sunday. Sure let's put that meth cooking theif on the clock. Fuck, give him a key too while you're at it. Then, I'll go home and leave him alone up here so he can rob you blind"
Instead I said "NO WAY", which was immediately counted by "But why not?" Oh let me list the reasons you gullible twat. He's on meth. He cooks meth. He sells meth. Fuck his whole family is on the shit. We already have issues with people thinking we're a fucking drug front because you keep hiring every sob story and crack whore in the county, but hey why not add one more? Just to round out the shifts I mean.
Hat in hand, my boss sadly left, his great idea torn to shreds. Thankfully one of my crew knew someone for the job, and now I have a very sweet guy who is hitting on all 8 cylinders for the spot.
Apparently someone clued Carol in to why her crack monkey didn't get the job, and now she won't speak to me, heh. She's even trying to get me in trouble, complaining that I "get in her way" when I come in early for my shift. This amuses me to no end. I think, you stupid fucking cunt. First off you're disposable, so don't even think you have any power to fuck with me. Secondly, there's no way in hell I'd let your crack monkey on my crew and I'll come in early EVERY fucking day I know you're on, just to make sure you don't "forget" to shut the window again. I'll inspect every trash can to make sure you emptied it, check the locks on all the doors, and make sure you didn't leave a mess on the floor. And when you sit there and toss glare after glare my way, I'm going to send you a great big smile, because it amuses the living shit out of me to piss you off. There's nothing you can do to make me even half as angry as you're getting because I place more value in the emotions of shit throwing chimpanzees than I do in you.
Now go clean the toilet.
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